Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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