I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
