Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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