i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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