hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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