i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
