I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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