So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
