was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
