Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
