I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
A bitchslap is in order.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
