Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
