Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
