A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
How's work?
Spinning.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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