I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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