I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
