She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
