I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
