Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
