i just sent this text using only my big toe
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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