No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
