How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
