I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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