Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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