I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
