At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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