When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You have to summon your inner elephant
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
