i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
