My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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