You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
