She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
