im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
