That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
