My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
