You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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