You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
