While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
