I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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