I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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