i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
