Can Purell be used as lube?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
