Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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