i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We have started to decorate penises.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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