I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Drake has all the answers
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
