A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
