swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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