She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
