I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
