Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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