Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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