T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
